Saturday, April 14, 2012

In Love

I am so in love with my family right now.  Well, duh! I should be right.  And of course I ALWAYS love my family, but right now I am head over heals in love with them-- with us!
 During the last several months of my pregnancy I didn't always feel this way.  I blame it partially on hormones and partially on a poor outlook.  I often was feeling and thinking the worse of my husband, of our marriage, of myself, and of our family.  I felt like everyone around me MUST certainly have a better spouse, a happier marriage, be a better person themselves, and have a happier more unified family than me or mine.  Total Debbie Downer I was.  And then Jackson Thomas was sent to me.  I'm not sure if it doesn't exist or if it's just not very common.  But the moment I had him I felt a dark cloud lift from me (which is why I felt like I may have been suffering from a mild pre-partum depression).  He has brought so much happiness into my life, and in turn into my family's life.  Because what I have learned through this season is that I have a major impact on my family's happiness.  Not only do I believe that my once wacked out hormones, had been restored to a somewhat normal balance, I also came across this amazing blog, which not to sound corny or trite has changed my life by changing my outlook on marriage and love.  It is seriously a must read.  Through reading I have learned that I can't depend on externalities to make me happy-- i.e. my spouse's validation, my child's obedience, etc.  I have to make me happy.  This cute-as-can-be couple that author's this blog also have given me so much insight on how to create and maintain a healthier, happier marriage.  And how it's actually possible to have little to no fighting in a marriage (and I do not mean disagreements or distress- these are a given), but fighting.  Yelling and being less than kind had become such the norm for us that it really was a lesson to me that this doesn't need to be nor should it be the case.  I feel like such a kinder spouse lately, and in turn, surprise surprise, I have been treated with such kindness.  Anyways; far too much info. but I just wanted to record this down for my own purposes as perhaps a changing point in my life and my marriage towards a much happier path.  And I just had to express what I was feeling just now while lying in bed with Ben as he drifted off to sleep for the night- and that is the overwhelming love I feel for my family.  I love my two boys and am so blessed to have them.  I love their father so much.  It really is possible to fall in love with someone all over again.  And I love our family.  I love our interactions and the simple ways we spend our days together.  And I love that the sweetest little baby in the whole world has brought all of this to me.  I call him my angel and he really is just that.  We have all bonded over our intense love for this tiny, and I mean tiny (we are talking 6% in weight) baby.  Each one of us- Ben, James, and myself- will say at least once a day how we just love baby Jacky so much, too much!  We all just want to squeeze him and never let go.  So funny how love for a baby makes you want to squeeze them.  My favorite part of the day is when James gets home and we sit side-by-side on the couch.  Our feet up on the ottoman.  I rest Jackson on my legs looking at us and we just sit and stare at this child that we created together.  We laugh together at a funny face he makes.  Or we gush together over how cute he is.  And the other day, Thursday April 12th to be exact, we looked at each other with joy and excitement over his very first laugh.
And who wouldn't love these three cuties?! 

1 comment:

  1. Julie, I feel like you took the words out of my mouth! I have felt this way too. Their husband is kinder, nicer, they have a better marriage, their kids are more obedient, and the list goes on. For me those thoughts are definitely linked to my depression but still, it can quickly send me into a downward spiral. When I have those thoughts I really try now to quickly turn them away but it is so nice to know that other people feel the same way. It's so easy to look around and feel like everyone has it all but I think I am learning that really...nobody really has it. There is something everyone is struggling with. Sometimes we can see it and sometimes we can't. I love that blog really has helped me too! I think I place a lot of my happiness on external sources and that is something I'm working on's hard and I have to take it one day at a time but I also am feeling happier. Yay for love!! xoxo